Spontaneity

People think G’s setting me up. G isn’t setting me up. When I fuck up, she thinks I’ve rejected her. When she thinks I’ve rejected her, she loses the plot. And she even screams at the top of her lungs at such moments that I’m Satan.

That’s why people think so. But in reality we BOTH keep fucking up. When one gets courageous, the other chokes.

I had a broken foot and a walking stick once. I saw her in this car in a car park. I tried to get over to her as quick as I could. But when she saw me, she put her foot down on her pedal so hard her head went back, as if she were escaping in a rocket ship.

Many times, she’s approached me. One example. A car pulled up slowly next to me. I started abusing him. I was telling him where to go, sticking my finger up, cursing him. It wasn’t a man. It was her – I couldn’t think what to do.

When I know it’s her, I can’t move. I don’t know what one is supposed to say. All that goes thru my mind is, “Will you marry me and never leave me alone again?” But I just freeze as I do and stare at her like I’m an imbecile.

Will she think that? When we talk, what’s going to happen? I don’t know. She’s scary. It’s scary. Love’s scary.

There’s that Beatles song. I say hello, she says goodbye. And when she says hello, I say goodbye. And all we want is the other to say hello, but both at once, there’s the rub. Spontaneity is the conundrum.

It’s between us and no one else’s business. Spontaneity is something we need to come out of our own selves. We both need to find the courage. But we’re scared of each other. Spontaneously.

Because she loses her shit, and feels rejected, everyone for kilometres knows when I fuck up. And that’s why people keep thinking she’s setting me up. But neither’s the case. We’re in love.

We’ll talk eventually. And then, I dont know if anything will still exist the same after that. That’s if the universe does not spontaneously combust. And then when the universe spontaneously combusts, will we spontaneously be in each others arms in heaven?