Google, what’s the meaning of life?

The colonised, say Cesaire for example, talk about how they internalised oppression by the real barbarians, the colonisers. And I wondered, when did civilisation enter me, colonise me, and make me get ptsd?

Now, after 25 odd years of bullying and ostracism, turned full volume recently, I thought, but it happened long before:

One day I sat in grade one drawing the Australian mascot. It seemed I was looking in a mirror at the face of the koala, as I outlined it then coloured it, of course green and gold:

We were copying it from an illustration of how it was meant to look, we conformed its image to what the teacher, the nation and our peers wanted it to be:

The aspace full of knowledge, the fountain, around me was gone, all that remained was a little girl, scared in a uniform. I have been battling for her ever since:

So- what you gonna do? I’ve lived an unrespectable life im not proud of. I knew when I was young there would be consequences for not conforming. Anyway, the scared little girl is a contradiction and is very brave.

I went around searching for a way out of this uniform, conformity thru feminism, communism, being lesbian, transgender:

Really, I found it, but upside down, by turning everything I believed about myself and the world, upside down:

What seems is not always so, and loves the same.

Then there’s the bullying, ostracism, madly escalating, everywhere. So many lies, so much hatred, manipulation, chauvinism, envy, that I’ve learnt not to internalise it, cause it is just not me:

So I don’t judge myself:

Those who judge me are using me as a scapegoat and warning against nonconformity.

I am outrageously beautiful. So much so that the other day I was looking at some books. The woman behind me was hopping mad turning from me to her husband, implying something about my sexuality and all I was doing was looking at books. Yet, I get it, my light is infectious, it is earth light:

So I said to myself, your beauty drives people mad, like a force, a primal force. It explains a lot. Those people who turn others against me. The chauvinists. The lies and envy. But most of all an obsession with my sexuality:

I said to myself: if you drive others mad because of your beauty, then don’t judge that beauty, accept it:

My wild, wanting another woman to control me utterly, trying to set me and her free, drawing out my elf already, my angel, Buddha, wild haired lady nature, and all thru wanting to unite thru another woman, with everything:

I’m walking, looking for her of course, going, this is the sun, my wild passion, no longer yogin:

Like my brother said “I don’t judge nature, and nature doesn’t judge me”:

My primal spirit, it’s wild passion and beauty, it’s music, it’s mad love poetry for one lady, g.

If I asked Google, what’s the meaning of life, I would find colonisation of the spirit. I don’t judge like google:

Impassioned, inflamed, my virile spirit, wanting to submit, ground thru the mill, in her chains I will be free:

For google, the meaning of life, as I sat dying, looking at the moon, all alone, all I could think about was love – who I loved, and who loved me.