Tonight: Suicide and Sophia

I want to die tonight. But I won’t. If you can’t sort it out on earth, where will you ever?

For its not as above so below, but as I look up to the heavens I would carry my broken heart with me.

I always thought “when I smile in heaven, people will smile back”. And even, “maybe in heaven I’ll find my true love and she’ll hug my spirit.

And perhaps these things are worth dying for. But atm barely alive, the idea that maybe some girl somewhere won’t disappear, won’t swear at me cause I’m not sure who she is, won’t reject me, aah but after 45 years it does not seem likely.

Today, I thought perhaps I recognised this girl, but unsure, as I passed she started swearing. My heart shattered against the pavement of chirnside drive. And then I know there’ll be a fresh round of lies and allegations coming.

I’m in shock, my head hurts, my heart is throbbing with pain, I’m doped up to high hell.

I find it hard not to picture myself ramming a knife thru my own heart the way everyone else on earth has done. But I can’t.

I look at the palm tree outside and I feel the space around me, and I can’t.

And still there’s no girl, whether it was her swearing or not, she’s not here anyway.

And I know what I’m in for. But I’m still here tho I can’t stop crying.

I cant describe my mind, except to say that so long tormented, it has found an inner peace amidst the reality TV hell.

Raelene, with her lifelong dream of finding miss right. And yet, I am always pulled away. But God/dess loves me.

Like I said, I know what’s ahead, more suffering and torture, to be carried alone. My heart lies shattered on Chirnside drive. And how could I ever please woman? You approach them you get rejected and you don’t and they hate you. When I think about it, I want to die.

Yet I’m a bit like nature now. Cut me, curse me, torture me, I keep going. It’s that ineffable part I follow now.

I’ve always seen the ineffable in other things, but now I see it as part of me. Regardless of how Raelenes heart is destroyed, this part is like an invisible strength on which the shattered world rests.

“I am here” she says. Sophia at last.

It’s not the way men describe it. She isn’t detached but is a secret inside. She isn’t separate but is part of everything. The world isn’t there for her, she upholds the world with the world’s flesh and vulnerability, beset by darkness, she says “I am here”.

One part of me wants to kill myself, to end the darkness, but it follows me everywhere.

Yet sophia encircles me, innermost, ans is light, so of I’ve found her here, why would I need to end it?

“I am here” she announces, and she is me.

Cal Kalve